The Fear of the Unknown....

Monday, November 19, 2007

Current Mood: scared shitless!

As my surgery approaches, I’m starting to get more and more freaked out! It’s the BIG "fear of the unknown" again…

Like the day I was diagnosed with the BIG C. I was thrown into the "fear of the unknown". My life would change forever! Would I die? Yes, the "fear of the unknown"….

Everything along this cancer crapness journey has been the "fear of the unknown"…..

Waiting in that little cubicle hoping that my mammogram comes back normal……

Having the ultrasound and looking at the doctor’s facial expression…..

Laying as still as you can in that closed tunnel having your MRI.....

Having the biopsy……and waiting the endless days for the results....

My original surgery…..the fear of the cancer spreading…..and finding out that it had…

That’s what lead me to my chemo…..yet another "fear of the unknown"…..how sick would I get? What will I look like without hair? Will I be able to work and continue to lead a normal life…..whatever normal may be.

Lately my life has been filled with A LOT of “fear of the unknowns” what about when you go for your scans….for example my MUGA scan and hoping that my heart is still functioning properly….praying that the chemo hasn't done any damage....there’s that fear again.

Now I have the BIGGEST fear yet…my upcoming surgery.

Did I make the right decision......double mastectomy?

What about the reconstruction......did I choose the right one?

Will I be OK with the scars……will I be able to handle two fake boobs?….will I ever date again? Yes, it’s the “fear of the unknown" creeping back up on me.

Will I ever have my life back. I just want everything to go back to normal. Can I just erase time and go back to March 7, 2007 before all my cancer crapness started…..

The answer is NO! I need to be strong and face the BIG "unknown".