My Meltdown

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Current mood: gloomy


Well it was just a matter of time….

I had a meltdown! Things have been brewing with me for a while. It started on Monday when I saw Dr. S. He is my plastic surgeon and also the doctor that did my surgery for my damaged nerve. Let’s just say my visit wasn’t very uplifting. He basically told me that my elbow may not ever get totally straight. And to top it all off he told me that my swollen fingers may never get back to normal and the nerve sensation may not come back either. There is also a part of my wrist that is numb and he wasn’t positive about that either. Needless to say, I left his office frustrated, sad and angry! Why is this happening to me, haven’t I suffered enough with my cancer? I’ve lost so much in such a short period of time.

Now on Tuesday, I had to see my favorite doctor…..ha ha, Dr. N. She is my oncologist. I had to have my herceptin treatment and lucky for me she wanted to talk about me starting to take tamoxifin. I asked her why I needed to take the drug. I had a double mastectomy, so it’s not like I’m fighting to protect a healthy breast. She told me it was to protect the other cells in my body where the cancer might have spread. I told her my lymph nodes came back negative and she said that it didn’t matter because I had my chemo first and there was no way of knowing for sure if it had spread to the nodes. I told her I had this conversation with Dr. L and she assured me that if the nodes where involved that there would be scaring. Dr. N said this wasn’t true. She also reminded me about how aggressive my cancer was and that taking the tamoxifin would be best. She did tell me that it was ultimately my decision. I told her I would try it, but if the side effects get to be too much, I’m stopping it. Five years is a long time to suffer with side effects.

She did her exam and that is when I had my meltdown. As she examined my breasts, she asked me if I had made my decision about getting nipples and tattoos to complete my breasts. I told her I wasn’t sure yet. What a personal question I thought and then I lost it, the tears just started flowing. As she handed me some Kleenex, she asked if I was depressed. I told her no, I was just tired and frustrated with my hand complication. She said I had been through a lot and that was understandable and the fact that I have to still come here every 3 weeks for treatment doesn’t help. It just brings back the memories of chemo.

So today I go and see my therapist Nancy. And yes once again I cry. She asked me, like she always asks when I see her, how are you doing? I told her about Dr. S’s visit and I thought it was negative and how I have to go back to work next week and before you know it, I’m crying. Here comes the Kleenex again. I tell her my fears about starting work and not being able to come to therapy as often. She quickly reassures me that even if I only come once a week, I will be able to have positive results. She thinks that I can get my elbow to be 100% and she said the nerves are still healing and they heal very slowly and to be patient.

I’m not really sure why I’ve been so emotional this week. Maybe things have been building up. I start work next week and I know I have some reservations about that. I have a new boss and I know that’s not going to be easy. My old boss knew everything; he was there from the beginning of my diagnosis. Speaking of which, I can’t believe it is going to be a whole year since my D day. This Saturday, March 8, will mark the day my life changed forever. Maybe it’s all too much all at once. I just hope the rest of my week goes better. I don’t have anything planned for tomorrow. Friday I have to have a heart scan. These are always fun. This will be my third one. I had a pre chemo and post chemo heart scan and now I need another one for my 6 month herceptin check up. These things always freak me out. You certainly don’t want to mess around with the heart.

Well here’s to better days ahead…..and NO MORE MELTDOWNS!