Monday, May 20, 2013

Toughest Decision I've ever made....



May 20, 2013

current mood:  jealous
  

I was watching Dr. Oz the other day and he did a special on women who have the BRAC 1 gene.  Some women chose to take action and some are too scared to have the surgery. 

The reason why most of them were afraid to have the surgery was the fear of losing their femininity. 

I know first hand about that fear.  I still live with it every day.

I was tested for the BRAC 1 gene and even though I thankfully did not have the gene, I too opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy.  Taking the healthy breast was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  But at the time it was a no brainer.  The cancer was VERY aggressive and in the words of my breast surgeon, it would only be a matter of time before it attacked my healthy breast.  I didn't want to go through chemo a second time and the reconstructive surgery I opted for, the DIEP Tram Flap can only be done once so for me the choice was made, take the healthy breast.

The fear of losing your femininity for me was so difficult because I was single at the time and my biggest fear was how the hell am I going to date after this.  Who is going to accept me for who am and love me for me and not the fact that I don't have real boobs.

I posted my current mood for this blog as jealous because I am so jealous of the new procedure that is now out there for women facing breast cancer.  The new nipple sparing procedure is so beyond amazing in helping to prevent that fear of losing your femininity.

I know for me the breast that was affected by the cancer would not be able to use this procedure because my nipple did test positive for cancer as well as the breast tissue.  But this new procedure could have been used when taking my healthy breast. 

It's amazing how much has changed in just the short 6 years since my diagnosis.

Thank you to all the amazing surgeons who are making this new procedure possible and helping my sisters feel a little bit better when they are faced to make their difficult decisions.

And thank you Brad for supporting Angelina in her difficult decision as well.

I love Brad Pitt's quote....

"Having witnessed this decision firsthand, I find Angie's choice, as well as many others like her, absolutely heroic," Brad Pitt said in a statement to London's Evening Standard. "I thank our medical team for their care and focus.

"All I want is for her to have a long and healthy life, with myself and our children," the actor continued. "This is a happy day for our family."

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Madeleine Maris AKA Maddy



Saturday, May 4, 2013

current mood:  reminiscent


I can’t believe my Baby is turning 14 this coming Tuesday.

Madeleine Maris…

I remember the day I brought her home, like it was yesterday. See Maddy wasn’t really supposed to be my dog, she was originally going to be my Dad’s second dog. Maddy is my Dad’s dog’s puppy. When he changed his mind about having two dogs, the idea of Maddy becoming mine was given to me. I have to admit I wasn't too keen in the beginning. I just bought my first house and wasn’t quite ready for a puppy. Yet, the more I saw her, the more I fell in love. So 4th of July weekend, 1999, I brought Maddy home.

I guess I should start off my explaining how I chose her name. Maddy was named after Madeleine Albright. For those of you who don’t know your history, she was the first woman Secretary of State. Maris is in honor of Roger Maris. The story behind that is…like I had mentioned earlier my Dad was supposed to keep her and his name for her would have been Maris and yes my Dad’s dog’s name was Micki (spelling for a girl) named after Mickey Mantle. Yes my Dad loves his NY Yankees.

It’s funny cause the day I went to pick her up, she was the only puppy left among 5 or 6 adult dogs and she didn’t seem very playful. I remember telling my Dad that and boy did I jinx myself. Maddy was more than playful in her “puppy” days. She was a handful until she was about 6.

Over the years I would bring Maddy anywhere and everywhere dogs were permitted. She was the adventurous Bichon Frise of the family. Yes, everyone in our family has a Bichon thanks to my Aunt Gloria who is the one that breeds them.

It’s sad to say but I do believe Maddy has a better life than some children out there.

She’s traveled with me on vacations. Yes she’s been on an airplane, a train, a boat and of course been in a car. She’s learned to change with my new adventures in life too. She went from having a BIG backyard in our house in CT to having to share a yard in our Condo in CT as well. She adapted pretty well to the move to NYC and quickly learned to “do” her business in the concrete jungle. And I haven’t heard her complain about her new apartment in Florida. I think she enjoys the mild winters.

We’ve been through A LOT together! She’s seen me at my highest highs and she’s been there at my lowest low’s , usually propped up on my chest licking my tears away. She was there for me when I lost both my Mom and Grandma. And she was there unconditionally through my cancer crapness journey. I always say that her sodium level must be through the roof from all the tears that she has licked away over the years.

There is nothing better than unconditional love from your dog. You can have the crappiest day and when you put that key in the door and open it and all you see is a dog wagging their tail, it’s makes everything OK.

It’s sad to say but Maddy has been my longest relationship. She’s seen all of the guys I’ve dated over the years and yet she’s never judged me. Well she did mention a few that she didn’t like…

As my Baby gets older, I’ve had to make some adjustments myself. Yes, we go for our morning walks at a slower pace. I now have to turn the light on in the hallway on our way to bed because she has night blindness. And I have learned to speak a little louder when calling her.

Don’t worry Maddy, Mommy is going to take care of you unconditionally just like you have for the past 14 years.

Happy 14th Birthday Maddy!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Reflecting on my 6 year Cancerversary




Monday, February 4, 2013

Current mood:  reflective


This Friday, March 8, 2013 will be my 6 year cancerversary.

It feels like just yesterday, I was sitting in Dr. Lee's office going over my plan of attack. Remove the lump and 12 weeks of radiation. I walked out of her office like no big deal.  I can handle this, just a minor speed bump in my life. Then as the weeks went by and more tests happened and with my surgery results everything would change. The cancer had spread and now I needed a mastectomy and 8 rounds of chemo.

I remember her words, they are forever etched in my memory.   She told me there are 3 kinds of people when it comes to fighting cancer. One will walk out of the Dr's office in denial and stay there and do nothing. One will leave the Dr's office have a melt down and then fight as hell to survive. One will leave the Dr's office and fight like hell and then have their melt down. Which was I? I was the third. I left Dr. Lee's office that Saturday morning full of fight. I was going to attack this cancer and show it who was boss.

I did so much research on Breast Cancer, you could say I'm an expert. To this day I can recite my pathology report, the size of my tumor, the grade of my cancer and all the drugs that were pumped through my body. The sad thing is I'm not really sure I ever did have that melt down. Don't get me wrong I had minor melt downs along the way. I did my fair share of crying!

One thing I did do for sure was reflect on my 35 years and decided that it was time for a change. Cancer did teach me to chase my dreams, which led me to moving to NYC. I love NYC and had always wanted to work and live there. I thrive on the hustle and bustle! I loved the 3 years I lived there.

As my 6 year approaches, I'm starting to reflect again on my life and the things that make me happy and the unfortunate things that do not. Maybe it's time for a change again...

The thing in my life that makes me the happiest is being an Auntie to my amazing 2 year old Niece Kiersten. I am beyond thankful that I kicked cancer's ass and I'm able to watch this little girl grow up. We just recently had our first sleepover at my apartment. We had so much fun! There is nothing better than the sound of Auntie Jill coming from her mouth as she screeches to greet me with a hug when I go over for a visit. As I always tell her, she is Auntie's Favorite!

Also as my 6 year approaches, it's time to reflect on the negative in my life and how I'm going to change it. What frustrates me and what exactly can I do to change that...

It's sad to say but sometimes we have negative people in our lives and I know for me it may be time to close a few chapters or doors and leave room for some new and hopefully exciting doors to open.

Life is way too short to live with people that frustrate you or simply don't bring out the best in you. It's difficult but sometimes necessary to say good bye. I do believe that people come and go in our lives and everyone that we meet has a purpose in our lives. Some stay for a short period and other stay for years.

Continuing to live my life with NO REGRETS!....

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Tamoxifen has my head spinning

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Current mood:  Scared


So yesterday was my 6 month Oncology Checkup.  I loathe my 6 month checkups.  Not at that fact that I have to see the Dr. but at the fact that I have to step back in time and relive my cancer all over again. 

Yesterday was particularly fun in the fact that I had to once again have a conversation about taking Tamoxifen....

My cancer was ER/PR+ and Her2+.  I took precautions against the Her2+ part of my cancer and took a drug called Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year via an IV.  I did not experience any side affects with this drug.   As for the ER/PR+ part of my cancer, I was told I should take a drug called Tamoxifen for 5 years.  It would help to prevent my breast cancer from coming back.

Now keep in mind, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy so I felt like I was pretty safe in the fact that my breast cancer wouldn't return considering I didn't have breast tissue anymore.  Of course the Dr is going to say....we can't guarantee that we got ALL the cancer cells, there maybe one or two left behind.  Nothing in life is a guarantee, right?  That's what I was thinking....

After many heated discussions with my Oncologist back home in CT, she eventually wore me down and I started taking the tamoxifen.  The hot flashes were unbearable.  I took it for almost 2 years and then said....NO MORE! 

Well, here I am in Florida 5+ years later having that same heated discussion with my new Oncologist.  She's so concerned about how aggressive my cancer was she asked me if I was willing to have my ovaries removed.  Apparently the Estrogen that my body is still producing is like a ticking time bomb for me.  I have to admit, I was completely caught off guard by the question.  I once again brought up the fact that I had a bi-lateral mastectomy and didn't understand why I needed to take a drug to help prevent the breast cancer from returning since I had no breasts.  My Oncologists response was that she was concerned that we really don't know if the cancer spread past my lymph nodes and that tamoxifen also prevents metastatic breast cancer. 

Now she had my attention! 

Metastatic Breast Cancer is every Breast Cancer Survivor's worst nightmare and words you never want to hear.

We also discussed how tamoxifen is now showing better results in women that take it for 10 years instead of the initial 5 year recommendation.  I remember hearing about that on the news a while back.  I quickly said to her, you want me to take it for 10 years and her response to me was....I just want you to start taking it and we will determine for how long later. 

So I left the the Cancer Center with tears in my eyes and 2 prescriptions in my hand.  One for tamoxifen and one to prevent hot flashes.  The question was...was I going to get them filled and if I did, was I going to start taking them.

I did get them filled and...

After doing research on the "hot flash" med, which is also a drug used for depression and anxiety.  I decided to wait and see if I would have the same reaction to the tamoxifen as I did 5+ years ago.  I hate taking drugs, if I really don't need them and the warning on the label was pretty scary....call Dr if you experience depression, sadness or fear.  Really?  I think I'll wait and see if the hot flashes come first.

And after staring at the little white pill called tamoxifen this morning for what seemed to be forever (5 minutes) I picked it up and put in my mouth and swallowed some orange juice.

Day 1 is over!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Respect ?


 
 
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
 
Current mood: Still inspired
 
 
By this point, I think everyone has watched the Oprah Interview and has their opinion on Lance Armstrong.   I as many others also watched it.  It may surprise many but I do still respect him.  But let me clarify myself.  I do not respect him as an athlete however I am a young adult cancer survivor and I do still respect him for all that he has done for the young adult cancer community.  His Livestrong Foundation helped me get through some of my darkest days in my cancercrapness journey.
 
When I first read the Livestrong Manifesto, there was one line that especially stuck out to me.  And I still believe it's true today.....Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life.
 
LIVESTRONG MANIFESTO...
We believe in life.
Your life.
We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being.
And that you must not let cancer take control of it.
We believe in energy: channeled and fierce.
We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong.
Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything.
This is LIVESTRONG.

We kick in the moment you're diagnosed.
We help you accept the tears. Acknowledge the rage.
We believe in your right to live without pain.
We believe in information. Not pity.
And in straight, open talk about cancer.
With husbands, wives and partners. With kids, friends and neighbors. Your healthcare team. And the people you live with, work with, cry and laugh with.
This is no time to pull punches.
You're in the fight of your life.

We're about the hard stuff.
Like finding the nerve to ask for a second opinion.
And a third, or a fourth, if that's what it takes.
We're about preventing cancer. Finding it early. Getting smart about clinical trials.
And if it comes to it, being in control of how your life ends.
It's your life. You will have it your way.

We're about the practical stuff.
Planning for surviving. Banking your sperm. Preserving your fertility. Organizing your finances. Dealing with hospitals, specialists, insurance companies and employers.
It's knowing your rights.
It's your life.
Take no prisoners.

We're about the fight.
We're your advocate before policymakers. Your champion within the healthcare system. Your sponsor in the research labs.
And we know the fight never ends.
Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life.
This is LIVESTRONG.
Founded and inspired by Lance Armstrong, one of the toughest cancer survivors on the planet.


Lance says his most humbling moment was when he had to step down from his Livestrong Foundation. 

For me the most important question Oprah asked him was....What do you say to the millions of people who are wearing your yellow bracelets?  To the millions, who believed?....

80 Million Livestrong Bracelets were sold...$500 Million Dollars raised for Cancer Awareness.

I was one of those 80 Million who bought and wore a Livestrong Bracelet.

I wore my Livestrong Bracelet through 15 hours of cancer surgery and reconstruction.  I still have that bracelet today! 

Lance's response was...he was sorry.

I do believe that Lance is sorry for hurting the people who supported him through the Livestrong Foundation, however I don't buy the fact that he is sorry for doping.  I think he is sorry he got caught.

Thank you Lance for helping me through some of my darkest days, I wish you all the best in your darkest days...

LIVESTRONG!
 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Thankful for my Friends




Thursday, November 29, 2012
Current Mood:  Thankful 
 
Well there is only one more day left in November and as I reflect on all the things I am thankful for and there are so many,  I have to stop and pause at my Friends.
For me the month of November is not only the month that holds my absolute favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.   But it also holds a day that would change me forever.  November 22, 2007 I had a bi-lateral mastectomy.  Well this November I had yet another surgery.  No this one was not cancer related.  Thank God! 
After my cancercrapness journey, I always try to see the good in things.  For example, I was having surgery and yes I would be out of work for a few weeks but on a positive note, I was able to travel back home to see my family and friends in CT.  I got to spend some time home for my favorite holiday.  What more could this girl ask for?
While I was home, I got to see some of my friends.  This is kinda where this blog is going.  Friends…
I love my Friends and I especially love my BFF Danielle.  I love the fact that we can respect each other’s busy lives and not get upset with each other if we don’t speak for a while.  The best is when we can talk and pick up right where we left off even if it has been a week or sometimes longer.  Of course texting is always around too. 
So you know I had to meet up with Danielle and raise a little hell on one my nights home.  I also met up with another good friend Darrin and his new girlfriend, Mary.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that much fun just laughing and catching up.  
I’m grateful for that night and most grateful for my Friends.
I’m grateful to Darrin for just a few weeks ago at my pre-op Dr’s appt. I had a minor panic attack.  I thought I would be OK to go to that appt. by myself but as soon as I got in there and starting answering questions and then the blood draw and with all the smells of the hospital, everything was beginning to get to me.  It all just brought back November 22 all over again.  Darrin just happened to be texting me as I was there and then when he found out where I was he continued to text and try and calm me down.  3000+ miles away and yet a good friend can be there for you.  Gotta love technology!  Thanks Darrin for keeping this girl under somewhat control….LOL.  I heart you!
And of course there is nothing better than hanging out with your BFF.  And even if there are 3000+ miles between us, nothing can break that bond.  I love you BFF, Sister and KW (only Danielle will get KW) Muah!
And of course I have so many other friends out there as well.  I have my Cancer Friends that continue to support me through Facebook.  My Friends back in CT that I miss dearly.  My Friends that are scattered around the Country.  And of course my new Friends down here in Florida.
I love you all! 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Damaged Goods...

Tuesday, August 29, 2012

Current mood:  Unsure


Not really sure how to start off this blog other than just write what’s on my mind. The truth is I haven’t had much success in dating lately and I keep asking myself what is wrong with me? Is it me? Or am I attracting the wrong guys? What exactly is the problem?

After some soul searching, I think I’ve found the answer and yes it has to do with me. I think physically I’m ready to be out there dating again but mentally maybe I’m still that scared B/C Survivor who isn’t ready to share quite everything. And by everything I mean intimacy.

I guess the bottom line is, I feel like damaged goods and I’m not sure how to fix that, or if it is even fixable.

A part of me hates my body, I mean hates my body!  Every morning I get out of the shower and put my body lotion on and I am quickly reminded that I’m not whole. A part of me was amputated. I know most people think of amputees as missing an arm or a leg but I had a double mastectomy and yes I feel like an amputee. Sure I’ve had reconstruction and may look whole to the outside world with my clothes on, but the truth is I have two fake boobs.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to be here and to be alive and I am damn proud to call myself a SURVIVOR!

I just feel like I’ve paid my dues and now it’s time to be happy, right? I want to feel pretty and of course every girl wants to feel sexy. So then how do I get that feeling back? How do I get past this? Do I need more time?

Will the right guy come around and make me feel special and take the damaged goods label off of me?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Wow! It's been 5 years since I've been poisoned


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

current mood:  Thankful


So I was on my bike ride this morning.  I do some of my best “thinking” on my rides.  Today I was thinking that my 5 year Anniversary is coming up.  The Anniversary of my first chemo treatment is June 25, 2007.  A day I will never forget. 
I remember having to be at the hospital at 6 am.  I was scheduled to have surgery at 7 am to implant my port.  See I’m one of those lucky people who you cannot find a vein on.  I had my brave face on but deep down I was so scared.
I remember the male nurse calming me down and telling me, more like reassuring me that he would find my vein on the first try.  And I’ll be damned, he did.  Kudos to him!
So off to surgery I went.  I was never 100% under which was kinda freaky.  I could hear the Dr and Nurses talking.  After Surgery and a little recovery time, I was wheeled down to the Cancer Center part of the Hospital. I hated being wheeled down there.  I felt for the first time that I was sick.  That I couldn’t walk on my own.  It totally sucked!  There I would receive my first round of eight chemo treatments.  Sixteen weeks of the “unknown”.   Sixteen weeks of nausea, pain and lots of tears!
After signing in and waiting a short while in the large waiting room full of other patients waiting to get poisoned, they called my name.  They took my blood to check my blood counts.  I would soon learn that it was all about my white blood cell count and keeping that one up high. 
I was then moved to a treatment  room,  where I was there with four other patients.  My Chemo Nurse Helen was off that day so I was getting treated my another  Nurse who was explaining everything to me as she did it.  I could see her lips moving but couldn’t hear her.  My mind and thoughts were elsewhere.  I didn’t want the poison.  I didn’t want to be there.  I hated my body for failing me and putting me there.  She told me the total time would be about 2 hours.  I sent my Dad back to the waiting room, there was no reason for him to stay with me and the treatment room was very small and there wasn’t really enough room for him. 
After the nurse set up my IV and the drip of the chemo pump started, a sound that I would quickly hate!  The chemo pump, a machine where you actually hear the poison being pumped into you.  As the nurse walked away my tears would start flowing.  I cried the entire 2 hours.  I sat there aimlessly flipping through the magazines that I had brought.  I had no idea what I was looking at. 
I do know that there was an elderly woman getting treatment in the chair across from me and she stared at me the whole entire time.  I hated her and I still hate her today.  Her face is embedded in my mind.  I could pick her out of a line up in a heartbeat that’s how much she hurt me.  How dare she stare at me!  Had she never seen someone scared before?
When my treatment was done, the nurse gave me a list of things to be aware of….  If I got a fever, if I threw up etc., I was to call the Dr immediately.
I quickly made my next appointment to be poisoned and found my Dad in the waiting room.  I was in such a hurry he could barely keep up.  I was out of there and across the street headed for the parking garage.  I needed to get away from the smells and sounds of the poison and that awful woman staring at me.
I would get home and rest the rest of the day.  I was so afraid to eat.  I didn’t know what to eat.  I had a stomach ache but didn’t know if I was hungry or if it was nausea.  That is one thing I never learned, the difference between nausea and hunger.   So I ate some saltines and drank some juice hoping to keep it down.  All was going well, until a little after 9 pm when I ran for the bathroom.  I hadn’t thrown up in years.  Welcome to chemo.
 I called the Dr and left a message with the answering service.  The Dr quickly called me back and asked if I had a fever.  I did not, which was a good thing.  She called in a prescription for me for a drug called Ativan.  Ativan would become my new best friend.  I popped Ativan like they were tic tacs.  The nausea would get worse and eventually I would be put on two other meds for nausea.  Ahhhh, Chemo!
It was a long sixteen weeks to say the least.  My first four rounds looking back now were a breeze compared to my last four.  My first four were not painful except for the Neulasta shot which I got on Thursday after Chemo.  This shot was very painful.  Not the shot itself but the affects of the shot.  See it’s a shot that stimulates your bone marrow to produce more white blood cells.  The affects would hit me like clock work on Saturday afternoon around 1 pm.  It was so painful that I could not sleep in my own bed.  I had to sleep on the couch positioned a certain way as to not have my neck and shoulders and back be touched.  Those were the areas that hurt the most.  The pain would last four days.
My last four  treatments were painful not only because of the Neulasta shot but also due to the chemo itself.  It was double whammy and yes I finally asked for some drugs.  I needed those narcotics to get by those eight  weeks. 
I am happy to say I survived those sixteen weeks and I’m happy to have them behind me...

Happy 5 year Cancerversary!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Finally! The truth is coming out about that Pink Ribbon



Saturday, February 4, 2012

current mood: Elated!


Please watch the above video.

I am so Freakin' happy! Finally people are catching on and seeing what's really behind that pink ribbon.

I know I've blogged about this before and always said there is NOTHING pretty about Breast Cancer so why do we dress it up with a pink ribbon?

As a Breast Cancer Survivor, I hate October and the pink haze that hangs over the month. Everything pink!

Pink products kill me and I remember telling my friends and family a long time ago, please do not buy me something pink. For example why would I want a pink toaster. So that every morning as I toast my morning bagel, I can be reminded of my Breast Cancer. Really? Like taking a shower every morning and seeing my mastectomy scars isn't enough.

There is nothing pretty about Breast Cancer and hiding the ugly truth behind that ribbon is just wrong.

Someone please tell me what was so pretty about my battle? The chemo and throwing up and the pain and the bald head and the weight gain. Oh, that's so pretty. The mastectomy scars and having a part of me amputated. Oh, that's so pretty too. The psychological scars and feeling like I'm not whole anymore or how is someone ever going to be attracted to me and want me. Oh, that's pretty as well.

Give me a Freakin' Break!

The truth is that Breast Cancer is UGLY and YES women are STILL DIEING from it!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Finding Love after Breast Cancer







Tuesday, January, 24, 2012

Current Mood: Lovestruck


So, I'm throwing this question out there to all my cancer survivor friends? After all the cancercrapness that we've gone through do you now look at love and relationships differently.


I guess I'm asking this because it seemed so hard in the beginning. I know I had to be happy with myself first and had to learn and accept my scars and new body. And I knew I couldn't share this anyone until I was OK with it myself.

Going out on those first few dates was scary! But I also knew what I wanted and what I didn't want. And I knew for sure, that I was not settling! Life is way too short to not be happy and to just settle.

I remember hearing in a cancer seminar for singles, that the success rate in marriage in survivors in much higher than ones that have not experienced this. I think that kinda makes sense. I think we at look at things differently. I know I do.


My biggest fear after my diagnosis was, is a guy ever going to want to be with me again. I felt like damaged goods. Who would want to date the girl with two fake boobs and a ton of scars?


I can hear my friends telling/yelling at me now. Jill, if he is the right one, he will accept you for you and love you for you not your body and scars. I guess at the time I thought that was true.


I am happy to say that there are some sweet guys still out there that have said those very same words to me. Words, that I think every Breast Cancer Survivor needs and loves to hear.


I am happy to say that I have found one of those sweet guys.


Thank you Joe for accepting me for who I am and for helping me to see a future again.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Another Sister loses her battle

















Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Current mood: sad, yet inspired


I just came across this article on my yahoo news and had to do some more research. Kudos to Eva Ekvall for sharing and showing the world the ugly truth about breast cancer. For sharing her images. I know I've blogged about this before and how much I hate society for thinking breast cancer is just a simple pink ribbon we put on everything. No one ever talks about the real truth, the ugly ugly truth!

It's not about walking around in a pink haze in October. It's about getting the word out there and in my case and my cause getting the word out there to the young women. Don't think breast cancer doesn't affect women in their 20's and 30's cause it does and unfortunately the younger you are the more aggressive the cancer.

We need to show the "ugly" images of breast cancer. It's not all pretty pink ribbons, it's bald heads and weight gain from chemo and scars from mastectomies and chemo ports. And in my case another lovely scar on my arm from my surgery complication.

My thoughts and prayers are with Eva's family. What a courgeous woman and I look forward to reading your book.

Former Miss Venezuela dies of breast cancer at 28
CARACAS, Venezuela (AP)

Former Miss Venezuela Eva Ekvall, whose struggle with breast cancer was closely followed by Venezuelans, has died at age 28.

Her family said Ekvall died Saturday at a hospital in Houston.

Ekvall was crowned Miss Venezuela at age 17 in 2000, and the following year she was third runner-up in the Miss Universe pageant in Puerto Rico. She went on to work as a model, actress and television news anchor.

She also authored a book, "Fuera de Foco" ("Out of Focus"), about her struggle with cancer, which included images by Venezuelan photographer Roberto Mata.

She told the newspaper El Nacional in an interview last year after the book was published that "I needed to send the message of the need for cancer prevention."

On the cover was a portrait in which she appeared with makeup and her head shaved. The book also included images of her while going through chemotherapy.

"I hate to see photos in which I come out ugly," Ekvall told El Nacional. "But you know what? Nobody ever said cancer is pretty or that I should look like Miss Venezuela when I have cancer."

At the time, she was hopeful of overcoming cancer and wanted to write more.

Ekvall's family said in a statement Sunday that her remains were being cremated in Houston on Monday and that a service is to be held in Venezuela once her remains are returned to the country.

Ekvall said in a 2007 interview published in Venezuelan news media that although her mother is Jamaican and her father is American of Swedish and Hungarian descent, "I feel more Venezuelan than anybody."

She was married to radio producer John Fabio Bermudez and had a 2-year-old daughter.

In her book, Ekvall had described her joy at the birth of her daughter saying "that happiness, although (the daughter) may not know it or understand it, keeps me alive today."

The book included emails that she wrote to friends providing updates on her treatment and thanking them for their support, as well as short essays by relatives and friends reflecting on her ordeal.

Her father, Eric Ekvall, recalled in the book that his mother, also named Eva, had died of the same type of cancer at age 39.

"Those who know Eva know she doesn't give up," he said of his daughter. "She fights for what she wants."

Her death brought an outpouring of condolences from Venezuelans, including from some prominent artists and politicians who praised her in messages on Twitter.

One drawing posted online depicted her as an angel with white wings and a pink ribbon on her chest.

Ekvall's husband posted a photo on Twitter Sunday showing a close-up of his hand holding hers, resting on a bed, with the words "Always together ... I love you wife."


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I will come back a better woman!



Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Current mood: Thankful


I just read this article on Guiliana Rancic and had to share it.

As a B/C survivor and one who had to make that same life changing decision, my hat is off to her for sharing her personal journey.

And yes Giuliana, you will come out a better woman! I know I have come out stronger than ever.

Your breasts don't define who you are!

Giuliana Rancic Getting Double Mastectomy:
"I Will Come Back a Better Woman"
Mon., Dec. 5, 2011 5:05 AM PST by Marcus Errico

Giuliana Rancic, who announced she was battling breast cancer in October, has decided to undergo a double mastectomy and immediate reconstruction. But in typical Giuliana style, she is turning her personal struggle into a positive message.

In exclusive comments to E! News and on Today this morning, Giuliana says she has three big reasons for going public.

"First, I would like to take the stigma away. 'Mastectomy' the word seemed so scary to me at first. After doing research and seeing the advancements, the surgery has come a long way from 20 years ago. The results can be incredible.

"Not only can it save your life, but you can come out feeling healthier and with a positive self-image.

"Second, I want to encourage everyone to be proactive with their health and get checked out."

And there's another, more personal reason.

"When I went public with my breast cancer diagnosis six weeks ago, the overwhelming outpouring of love, prayers and support really helped me heal faster. I want to make sure to thank everyone and give them an update for being so kind and loving and supportive."

Giuliana says that she opted for the procedure after careful deliberation and in consultation with a handpicked team of experts, "including top doctors, radiologists, women who've had mastectomies and women who've opted for alternative treatments, like lumpectomies, radiation and anti-estrogen therapy.

"It was not an easy decision but it was the best decision for me." she says.

Appearing by her side on Today was husband Bill Rancic, who has been steadfast in his support.

"Bill's been incredible," says Giuliana. "One of my first thoughts I had when I started considering the mastectomy was, 'What am I going to look like?' And then, 'What will my husband think?'

"But Bill told me, 'I don't care about the physical results. I just want you around for another 50 years. I need you healthy. I need you as my wife. I need you as a mother to our kids.'"

The surgery is set to take place next week. But Giuliana is anticipating a quick convalescence.

"I hope for a full recovery by New Year's Eve. We're planning to be in Times Square!" she says.

"2012 is our year," adds Bill. "We're going to ring in the New Year happy and healthy."

First they have to get through the next few weeks.

"Am I scared? Yes. Scared of the unknown. Scared of the pain," Giuliana confesses. "But I'm not scared of what I'll be like. I'll have scars, but I like scars. Scars are beautiful because they tell a story.

"I'll be able to say that I survived something major and it's made me stronger. I will be a better woman for it."

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Powerful Lyrics!



Thursday, December 1, 2011

Current mood: Thankful


So a few weeks ago, I was watching the CMA awards and Martina McBride, whom I absolutely love, sang a song that blew my mind . The words of this song ripped right through me and I instantly began to cry at some of the lyrics.

I have come a long way in accepting my cancercrapness and my body and scars and everything else. Like the fact that I have two fake boobs and it took me forever to feel confident about myself again....hence the lyrics:

she made it through the surgery fine
they said they caught it just in time
but they had to take more than planned

and now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts
to hide what the cancer took from her
and she wants to feel like a woman again

WOW! such powerful words I swear I wrote them...

I remember the night Dr. Lee called after my first surgery and she told me that the cancer had spread and that I needed a mastectomy.... Later I would decide to take the healthy breast as well. Probably the hardest, yet easiest decision I ever had to make. Why would I not? My cancer was so aggressive the chances of a recurrence in my other breast was too high. I wasn't going to wait for the cancer to come back. I was fighting the cancer on my terms!

I just want to say thanks to all those who supported me. My friends and family. You know who you are. The ones who took me out on good days, just to get me out of the house. The ones who came over and played Uno with me and watched my Andy Pettitte pitch on the not so good days. The ones who drove me back and forth to my chemo and Dr's appointments. The ones who just let me vent and cry with them. Thank you all. I love each and everyone of you....


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Really, Really Happy





Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Current mood: Really, Really, Happy!


So once again I say, I haven’t blogged in forever. A whole year ago. WOW, so much has happened. Where to begin….

As I approach my 40th birthday, I can honestly say, I’m not scared to turn 40 and I’m not freaking out. It’s just a number, right?

I feel great entering my 40’s and leaving my 30’s behind. I’ve been through a lot in my 30’s and I’m not saying that I’m ready to forget, but it’s time to move on…

I think for the first time in my life I can actually say that I’m happy. I mean really, really happy.

I’ve moved to Florida, and yes leaving NYC was difficult and there are times where my heart aches for my city. I loved NYC and everything about it. I miss the hussle and bussle. It seems to me that Floridians move in slooooowww motion. I’m closer to my brother and his family and I’m getting the opportunity to see my Niece Kiersten grow up. Just the other day she stood by herself and I was there to share it. Life can’t get any better than that.

I started a new job. It’s very challenging right now, but you know me, I’m always up for a new challenge. Time will tell, if I will stay or move on. For now, it’s paying the bills….LOL

I’ve finally lost my “cancercrapness weight” I reached my goal a few months ago and have since exceeded it. I think it’s cause I’m back to work and being more active. I am enjoying my morning 5K’s and definitely loving the results.

I’ve also decided it’s time to put myself back out there again, as in dating. Kinda scary out there but I still believe that Mr. Right could possibly, maybe, hopefully still be out there. I’ve joined one of those on line dating services. Who knows...All I know is, I’m just going with the flow. If it seems right, then I’ll go for it. If it seems like to there’s too much drama, I’m out. I look at it this way, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

So here’s to continued happiness in my 40’s and seeing what life brings my way….

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Proud of my Thirties

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Current mood: Proud


OK, so my birthday is in a few days and I’m turning 39. My last year in my 30’s…. I can honestly say I’m ready for my next decade. But looking back, I must admit I have enjoyed my thirties.

Looking back….

My thirties started off pretty rough. I ended a six and half year relationship with someone who I thought was “the one”. It took a long time to get over him but I learned a lot from that relationship. Toward the end of course it got ugly but there is one very important lesson that I took away. As he was pushing me away, I became more independent and to this day I am very thankful for that. I have accomplished everything in my thirties on my own. I don’t need a man in my life to be a success. I love that about myself!

At 33, I lost my Mom. It was very tragic and sudden and caught me off guard. A part of me today is still angry at her for leaving me at such a young age. I hate the fact that she missed my little brother getting married and in a few months she is going to miss being a Grandmother. I try not to dwell on our very rocky relationship. I try to remember the good times. When she was sober, she was a very loving Mom and that is how I like to remember her.

Then less than two years later, I lost my Grandma. That was a big blow. My grandmother had just celebrated her 90th birthday. Her death was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Those last days in hospice were the longest days ever! I miss everything about my Grandmother. Our conversations on the phone, our visits after I got out of work. Her stories about her family, helping me with my Italian homework. Building a family tree. Or just hanging out with her and playing cards. And of course her food. Homemade pizza on Saturday afternoon or homemade sauce and “macaroni”.

At 35, I would be diagnosed with cancer. At this point, I was like WTF! I can’t seem to catch a break. Looking back now, I really believe all of this has made me a stronger person. Sure my battle with cancer was a long one, but I put my suit of armor on and kicked some ass! I am proud to say I am a survivor!

During my cancercrapness journey, I decided to chase one of my dreams. I have always loved NYC. So I made the move. I waited a few months to let my hair grow back and then I started applying for jobs in NYC. I got my current job and made the move. I downsized from a two bedroom condo to a one bedroom co-op.

I also started to travel. I got my passport and busted out of the US. This past spring I went to London and Paris. The independent part of me said go for it and I did it by myself. I did however go with a tour group and made friends along the way.

I have seen my little brother get married, buy his first house and now in a few months become a father. I am so proud of him. I can’t wait to become Auntie Jill.

So as I turn 39 and tackle my last year in my thirties, I can say I am proud of myself too. I believe I have over come some pretty big challenges in my life and have come out a winner. I have learned a lot about myself and I welcome my forties, but not for another year…..

Sunday, July 25, 2010

L. I. G. !


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Current mood: Full of Hope


WOW! I can't believe I haven't blogged since February. A lot has happened in my life since then.

I went to London and Paris. I had an amazing time! Of course traveling was one of things I wanted to do post cancer. I figure I'm not getting any younger and you just never now what the future holds.

I found out my little brother Dean and his wife Jenn are expecting a baby girl (Kiersten Michelle) on or around November 1. I'm going to be Auntie Jill. I am so excited, words cannot express how I feel. I'm already shopping and spoiling her and she isn't even here yet.

I had a sweet surprise in the mail the other day from my "Chemo Buddy" Holly. She sent me a Warrior t-shirt along with a scarf. Ford is the sponsor of the program. She also sent the kindest note along with it. She said if anyone deserved to wear this shirt, it was me. In her eyes I am a warrior. Awww Holly, thanks so much.

I can't believe it but this Thursday, July 29th is going to be my 2 year anniversary since the end of my treatment. I had my very last Herceptin transfusion that day. Looking back it seems like it was forever ago but in a way it seems like it was just yesterday.

The other day I was watching the Yankees game and they interviewed a young player who is just coming up. His name is Colin Curtis. I was so taken a back when the interviewer congratulated him on his 10 year cancerversary. I looked at him and thought, wow he must have been young when he got it. I did some research and found out he was 15 when he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Talk about being way to young.

It sure is great to see another young cancer survivor chase their dream and not let something like cancer get in their way.

That's what life is all about, cherishing what you have because you just never know what tomorrow may bring.

LIG (Life is Good)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It's about the climb...





Sunday, February 14, 2010

Current mood: Inspired


OK, you can call me a Dork....Yes, I just finished watching The Hannah Montana movie. It was cute but what really hit home was one of her songs. It's called "The Climb". The words to this song I think are very powerful.

We all have struggles in life and mountains to climb....and in the words of the song....it's not about what's waiting on the other side, it's about the climb.

I know as a cancer survivor it wasn't about getting to the end of my treatement, it was about my battle getting there and how I fought that battle.

My cancercrapness journey has changed me in many ways. I like to think I don't stress out over small things, especially things I can't control. I try and keep a positive attitude and surround myself with positive people. Life is what you make it and it's about chasing your dreams. That's what brought me to NYC. I love the city! And in the Spring, I'm traveling to London and Paris. Life is too short to not do what you want or to not take chances.

We are always going to have struggles, how we handle them is what makes us who we are.

Here is to my next mountain...


Thursday, February 4, 2010

What's your Top 5?



Thursday, February 4, 2010

Current mood: Reminiscent


OK! So I got the news back about my bone scan and NO, it is not the return of the BIG C! Thank God!

I have to admit I was pretty freaked out waiting for the news.

In my mind, my future had stopped. I actually started planning for the worst. I double checked my life insurance policy and wanted to make sure I had the right beneficiary. I actually had a conversation with my Dad about taking my dog and how he could use my savings account for all her future vet bills. It was kinda scary where my mind had gone.

Which brings me to this blog...

The other day I was watching an episode of the television show "Lost" and in that episode one of the characters, Charlie knows he is going to die and so he starts making a list. He has flashbacks to certain events in his past. Later I would find out that these were his top 5 favorite memories.

I decided to try and do this and this is what I came up with...

Number Five: Dancing with my brother at his Wedding. We all know that the Bride dances with her Father and the Groom dances with his Mother. As you know my Mom has since passed so my brother would not have this beautiful opportunity. I spoke with his future wife, Jennifer and talked to her about this and told her that I wanted to dance with him. After speaking with my brother we chose the song "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. Their Wedding was so beautiful and I cried like a baby when I danced with Dean. I actually started to cry when the first note started to play. Dean would quickly calm me down and before the song ended we were both laughing. I still can't believe my little brother is married. I love you Dean!

Number Four: Painting the deck with my Step-Dad. The thing about this memory isn't the action of painting the deck but it's the conversations that my Step-Dad and I had. We were painting my Mom's deck and getting ready to put her condo up for sale. It was a difficult time in both our lives. Death is never easy but my Mom's death was very tragic and very sudden. I will leave it at that. The conversations I had with my Dad are private so I'm not going to share too much but I got answers to some questions that had bothered me for years. Thanks Dad for being there and helping to ease the pain of past.

Number Three: Family Game Night. I miss Family Game Night. Family Game Night was usually Sunday evenings. My Mom, Step-Dad, brother Dean and I would plays board games. It would change over the years as my brother got older. In his younger years we would play "Sorry" and as he got older we taught him how to play cards. I especially loved Family Game Night in the Summer. We would play outside on the deck by the pool with the Tiki Torches burning. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days and play one more game...

Number Two: Family Tree with Grandma. I've always wanted to make a Family Tree and who better to do this with than Grandma. I remember adding each family member and her telling me a story about them. It made me feel like I knew them. We first did my Grandpa's side and then we did her side. One thing that stood out in my mind was when my Grandma told me about her brother Paul and that when he passed away she had special flowers made for him called "Bleeding Hearts". These flowers were very special to her and I remember making a mental note. Years would go by and when my Grandma passed away and we were choosing flowers for her funeral, I chose "Bleeding Hearts". I wanted that special memory my Grandma and I shared that day to live on.

Number One: Weekends at my Nana's House. When I was little I used to spend weekends over my Nana's House. It was a time when my Mom was single. She had divorced my Dad and had not yet met my Step-Dad. On Friday nights my Mom would drop me off at my Nana's work. I loved spending time over my Nana's House. She lived in a big apartment complex and it had a pool. We would spend all day Saturday there. She always asked me what I wanted for lunch and the answer was always....grilled cheese with P&P loaf. Those were the best sandwiches ever! Saturday nights were always fun too. We would watch The Muppet Show and The Donny and Marie Show and if I was good I was allowed to stay up and watch The Love Boat. Sunday mornings we would get up early and go to church and we always had pot roast for dinner when we returned. I miss those grilled cheese sandwiches, no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get them as good as Nana's. Someday Nana, we will share a grilled cheese sandwich again...

It was hard trying to come up with just 5 but there is another that is a notable mention. My house warming present from my Mom. When I bought my first house my Mom got me a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly. To the average person this would mean nothing but to me it meant so much more. These simple items symbolized a special memory only shared by my Mom and me. See my first rated R movie that my Mom allowed me to see was "St. Elmo's Fire" and over the years it became a classic for us. There is a line in the movie when one of the characters gets her own apartment and she's telling her friends that when she got up in the middle of her first night there she made herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She said it was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich she had ever made because it was her bread, her peanut butter, her jelly and her apartment. Along with my Mom's present came a sticky note and on that sticky note it read, It was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've ever had. To this day I still have that sticky note. It's on my refrigerator and has traveled with me from house to house. Thank you Mom for such a special memory.

I'm glad to be healthy right now! I can see the future again. I'm looking forward to my trip to Europe this Spring. Watch out London and Paris, here I come.

And more importantly I'm looking forward to making new memories...

Monday, January 4, 2010

Trying so hard not to be scared...



Monday, January 4, 2010

Current mood: Scared


OK, here's the deal. A couple of months ago, yes I said months, I thought I pulled a muscle in my left arm. After a few weeks of still having pain, I thought maybe it was early on set of arthritis but when the pain got worse and nothing helped, not Tylenol or Ibuprofen, I started to get a little concerned. Keep in mind that my breast cancer was in my left breast. That is what put the red flag up for me.

As a cancer survivor, you always fear the worst. I'm trying really hard to not freak out but I don't think I'm doing a good enough job.

I FINALLY called my oncologist this morning to try and set up an appointment for an x-ray when I see her next month. Of course she was in meetings all day but my old chemo nurse called me back. I miss Helen, she was always there to put a smile on my face even on my worst days, chemo days. Anyways, we talked and she was concerned and said I should probably come in for a bone scan before my routine appointment next month.

What if my cancer has come back? Of course I've been on the computer every waking moment doing research on bone cancer, my head is spinning.

I'm starting to get a little scared and I'm crying a little more often. Deja Vu...

Something tells me there are going to be some sleepless nights ahead. January 21st can't come soon enough.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Feeling A Little Lost...


Monday, December 21, 2009

Current mood: feeling lost


Yesterday was my Grandma's Birthday and even though I was at work, she was on my mind. I think my Grandma's death has been the hardest for me. I miss her so much. I miss our phone conversations, she was always there to "just listen". What more could a person ask for.

I miss her stories too. She would tell me about her mother and father and then her step-mother. My Grandma lost her mother when she was very young and I remember her telling me how her and her father and siblings would visit her Mother at the cemetery on Sundays.

This was very important to my Grandma. As time passed and after my Grandpa passed away she would visit him as well. As my Grandma got older and wasn't able to drive anymore, I would take her to the cemetery. We would sit and talk to Grandpa. And as time passed and after I lost my Mother, my Grandma would come to the cemetery with me and visit with my Mom. We would even go to see my Nana, she was buried in a family plot. My Great Grandparent are there along with my Nana's sister.

Some people say you are either a cemetery going person or not. Thanks to my Grandma, I became a cemetery going girl.

I remember one time I went to visit after work and it was in early December and I had bought some Christmas decorations for the plaques. I remember it was getting dark and the ground was covered with snow but the air was warm so it created fog. I remember driving through the fog along the road and it seemed so peaceful, like I was in heaven. That has to be one of my favorite trips to the cemetery.

When my Grandma passed away, it was very difficult for everyone. She was our family.

I remember after the funeral and after the get together afterward my Dad asking me where I was going. I simply said, I'm going back to the cemetery. I needed one on one time with Grandma.

When I got back to the cemetery and stood there looking at all the flowers piled on top of this mound of dirt all I wanted to do was lay on top of it. Now keep in mind it was January and very cold. I really believe if it wasn't so cold, I would have done it. I needed to be close to her.

I have to admit I haven't been to the cemetery in quite some time. Since my cancer diagnosis back in March 2007.

I don't know, the cemetery didn't seem like a place I wanted to go to... Maybe it was just a little too much to handle.

Anyway, I'm going home for Christmas in a few days and I think it's time I venture to the cemetery and visit everyone.

It's time I stop by and chat with Grandma....

Monday, November 2, 2009

Celebrating My Survivorship!


Monday, November 2, 2009

Current mood: Celebrating!


I finally did it!

I got my tattoo. I've wanted one for a while but had a hard time trying to figure out what to get.

I knew I wanted something that symbolized my survivorship. I also knew I wanted something more than just a pink ribbon.

I came across this image one day when I was on-line and I knew it would make the perfect tattoo.

I love that the image is of a girl dancing, it's like she is celebrating. I also love the curl in her hair, like it's just growing back. And what better way to show the pink ribbon but to have it symbolized in her body.

Here's to survivorship...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Are you F'in Kidding Me?



Thursday, October 9, 2009

Current mood: Outraged!


I can't believe how stupid people are. I was on Facebook yesterday and one of my friends posted the above picture.

Is this really what people think? If so, society has some real issues.

First of all let me start off by saying that when I was going through my treatment, I ran across some stupid people. I remember once someone told me that it wasn't all that bad, I was getting new boobs. They thought I was getting breast implants, which I did not.

Let me just set the record straight. Having a mastectomy and have implants for your reconstruction is totally different than having implants to enhance your breast. BIG BIG difference. Breast implants by themselves are ugly.

I chose to have the DEIP Tram Flap as my reconstruction. And NO, I did not do this for the tummy tuck. I did it to have a more natural breast. Another thing people don't understand is that with implants you need to have them replaced ever 10-15 years. Being so young at the time of my diagnosis I did not want to have to go back to doctor over the years for replacements. I just wanted my surgery to be done and over with.

Another thing people don't understand is that when you have a mastectomy and they remove the breast they remove your "whole" breast. That means the nipple and all the nerves as well as the breast tissue. Even with reconstruction you are never going to have that feeling back in your breast. People don't talk about that either.

What this picture is not showing is the women with a bald head with her face in the toilet throwing up from the chemo. And chemo does not always make you skinny. Depending on the medication you are given, you may gain weight. It happened to me. Where is the display of medication bottles found on the kitchen counter. Pills for the nauseau and pain that goes along with chemo. Or the hours of rehab that goes along with the surgery. Where's the walker? When I came home from the hospital, I couldn't stand straight up. I could barely walk up and down the stairs to my bedroom. Oh, I guess that's not pretty too so we won't show that.

I would glady give up my fake boobs and tummy tuck for my natural breasts back.

So here's what I have to say to the picture...Be careful what you wish for...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

It's nice to know I'm not alone




Saturday, October 3, 2009

Current mood: Relieved

I can't believe another October is here. Why does the world seem to have a pink haze? Oh, that's right, it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I've blogged about my feelings on this subject a few times. My breast surgeon even warned me that this may happen. I was diagnosed in March and she said by the time October rolls around you will be sick of pink and pink ribbons. She was right.

Like I've said before, I'm all for awareness and finding a cure but everything doesn't need to be pink to accomplish this. If you do buy pink products, think before you pink, make sure you know where the money is going.

I found this article and it is exactly how I feel. Please read....


Sick of pink

Boston Globe

When Kim Zielinski was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 at the age of 33, well-meaning friends inundated her with products bearing a little pink ribbon. Each product’s maker promised a cut of the sales price to a breast cancer charity, and these friends felt they were supporting the cause and, by association, Zielinski. A petite brunette who’s now 35, she was enormously grateful for the millions of dollars that these pink-ribbon products direct each year to charities that fund breast cancer research and education.

But it wasn’t long before she got a little sick of the pink. “I felt kind of hateful,” says the insurance company sales manager who lives in Charlestown. “I was like, ‘What makes you think I like pink now?’

“I think that the pink ribbon, as a symbol, tends to pretty up what is a pretty crappy disease. But a pink ribbon is easier to look at than the disease itself.”

Many breast cancer survivors like Zielinski find themselves conflicted over this little powerful ribbon. Some survivors feel companies are exploiting breast cancer, marketing themselves as philanthropic outfits that care about women when what they mostly care about is the pink ribbon’s enormous ability to boost profits. Some just feel overwhelmed by the constant pink reminder, especially in October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, of a disease that has forever altered their lives.

Since she was diagnosed 2½ years ago, Anna Schleelein, a 26-year-old attorney in Newton, spends Octobers in a self-imposed pop-culture blackout. She tries to avoid TV, magazines, and, especially, shopping, to steer clear of all those pink-ribbon products. “October is just a reminder of my cancer,” Schleelein says. She is screened for recurrences with MRIs and mammograms every six months, and October is particularly difficult if she is awaiting the results of a test. “I want to buy my English muffins and not be reminded of it while I’m waiting for results to come in.”

“It’s such a double-edged sword,” says LaShaune Johnson, 33, another breast cancer survivor and a postdoctoral fellow, who recently relocated to Hartford from Hyde Park. She did her dissertation on breast cancer organizations and black women. “On the one hand, buying that pink stuff makes you feel connected to the people who survived and made it to the other side.
“But personally,” says Johnson, “I cringe when I see that stuff. I feel like they’re taking advantage of people who are suffering and want a sense of belonging.”

Samantha King’s 2006 book Pink Ribbons Inc. was one of the first that examined why breast cancer, more so than any other illness, became a ubiquitous marketing movement. Answer: The most significant risk factors for breast cancer (such as genetics and age) can’t be altered by women, which is why it’s often regarded as a “blameless” disease. It attacks mostly women, who account for the bulk of America’s purchasing power. It attacks the very symbol of femininity, the breast. And a pink ribbon is cute and soothing. “I’ve talked to survivors who’ve contacted me and were so enraged that their struggle with the disease was being commodified in this way,” says King, who is based in Kingston, Ontario. “The response I’ve heard from corporations when I challenge them about this is ‘Who cares, as long as the money is going to a good cause?’ ”Many breast cancer survivors and women battling the disease care, that’s who. And they’re increasingly willing to speak out about it. “I would hope that companies aren’t looking to profit off the use of the pink ribbon,” says Zielinski. “There are other ways that they can market things.” But few causes have proven to be as incredibly profitable -- or as exploited -- as breast cancer.

When a company sells a product and promises a portion of the proceeds to a cause or charity, it’s called cause-related marketing. (This is unlike the charitable foundations that some companies set up to give away money unconnected to product sales.) Avon and Estee Lauder were two of the first to use the pink ribbon as a marketing tool by slapping it on cosmetics in 1993. Other companies rapidly followed suit. Susan G. Komen for the Cure, the Texas-based 900-pound gorilla of breast cancer fund-raising, has turned cause marketing into a money-printing machine. Last year, the charity raised almost $50 million from more than 250 corporations, which gave Komen some of their proceeds from product sales. Komen is just one of dozens of charities that partner with companies to raise funds. The technique has been a tremendously powerful way of generating money for breast cancer research and education by redirecting consumer dollars.
It is also a powerful technique for raising profits. Research from Cone Communications, a Boston consultancy that helped pioneer the widespread use of cause marketing, has shown that 79 percent of consumers would likely switch to a brand that supports a cause, all other things being equal. People want to buy from companies that appear to do good deeds. In one test conducted by Cone and Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business, shampoo aligned with a cause saw a 74 percent sales increase over the same brand without a cause.

A recent study of the effects of cause marketing by two professors at the Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor found that not only can companies raise prices and make higher profits on the sale of products that benefit a cause, these companies’ entire brand portfolios can experience a “spillover” increase in sales and profits, which more than compensates for the money given to charity. The report concluded, “Our results suggest that actions of [cause marketing] firms should be looked on with some skepticism by consumers and government officials -- while the firms may be helping with charitable causes, they are also using [cause marketing] to increase their own prices and profits.”

But most consumers don’t read reports from Midwestern business schools. Many people believe that a firm that puts a pink ribbon on a product is donating money out of its own pocket, at a loss, because it is committed to the fight against breast cancer. That’s not to say the employees and executives aren’t committed to the cause, but that is not why they do it.

“Often, I hear the argument that we would be better off if companies would just donate the dollars that they spend on marketing these products or creating these products,” says Chris Mann, associate manager of brand marketing for Brighton-based New Balance, which for the past eight years has given a percentage of the sales of its “Lace Up for the Cure” shoe, apparel, and accessory collection to Komen. “And I don’t disagree that a donation of that amount would be very impactful. At the same time, that point of view doesn’t understand the realities of how for-profit corporations have to work. In most of the cases, that money was never earmarked as purely a donation or a philanthropic initiative. In most cases, it’s funds that are coming out of a marketing budget. And by definition, a marketing budget is meant to drive return for the business.” (The New Balance Foundation, a separate entity set up to make charitable donations, has given more than $100,000 over the past four years to local breast cancer initiatives and gave $100,000 in 2007 to Komen.)

The profit power of cause marketing is why, come October, everything turns pink. The pink ribbon’s use is unregulated, and it has no consistent meaning. Some companies simply attach a ribbon and say they’re “raising awareness.” Many pink-ribbon campaigns require the purchaser to register the sale online or through the mail.

Such misuse and hoop-jumping infuriates Jeanne Sather, a Seattle woman battling metastatic breast cancer and known throughout the cancer community for her fight against the pink ribbon and Breast Cancer Awareness Month. She will send a “Boycott October” button to anyone who asks. Her blog,
assertivepatient.com, features what she considers the most egregious, tasteless examples of pink-ribbon products -- including Jingle Jugs, plastic breasts mounted taxidermy-style on wood that move and play music; sales of a “breast cancer awareness” edition of the
Jugs resulted in a $50,000 donation to Komen.

“For those of us with breast cancer, it’s like getting hit in the face,” says Sather. “The companies are making money off my disease -- even if they’re giving an amount to charity, they’re making so much more in profit.”

With one in eight women being diagnosed with breast cancer, more research is needed into cause, treatment, and prevention. Every donated dollar helps, so most charities refuse to bad-mouth pink-ribbon cause marketing, no matter how much it upsets some breast cancer patients and survivors.

Of the complaints, Karen White, director of corporate relations for Komen, says: “It’s not something that we hear on a regular basis. Responsible cause marketing is good cause marketing and serves a wonderful cause. We’re excellent stewards of the funds that come in through this.” Still, nonprofit executives realize that some companies are misusing the pink ribbon, and they recognize that if corporate partners appear greedy instead of philanthropic, it tarnishes the charities’ own reputations -- and fundraising efforts. White says Komen approves the products on which its partners are slapping Komen’s trademarked version of the pink ribbon, and the charity says it monitors partners to ensure they are following accepted charitable giving guidelines and state laws that govern corporations involved in cause marketing.
Nonetheless, Breast Cancer Action (BCA), a San Francisco-based advocacy and fund-raising nonprofit, has for years called Komen out for joining with companies that it accuses of raising money for breast cancer while manufacturing products that contain ingredients that have been proven to or are likely to cause cancer. BCA recently declared victory when Yoplait, one of Komen’s biggest partners through its “Save Lids to Save Lives” campaign, agreed to stop using milk from cows treated with recombinant bovine growth hormone, or rBGH. The byproduct of the hormone that remains in milk has been linked by many studies to the development of breast cancer. Shortly after Yoplait’s statement that it would stop using milk from treated cows, Dannon made a similar announcement about its yogurt.

In 2002, BCA created the “Think Before You Pink” campaign, encouraging consumers to ask questions before buying pink, among them: Is the product bad for my health, where is the money going, and how much is going there?

It’s difficult or impossible to answer these questions while confronting a sea of pink products in aisle five at Walgreens. Which is why Komen, for one, insists that its corporate partners clearly say on products how the sale will benefit Komen and if there is a donation minimum or maximum. One of Komen’s partners with a maximum is New Balance, which caps its contribution at $1 million per year. The shoe maker has hit that target during each of the past two years and expects to do so again this year, according to Mann. “We would love to [raise the cap],” he says, “but the unfortunate realities of the business world at this point are that [we], like many other companies, are not having the flexibility given the current economic times to increase marketing spends.” So what happens each year to the money that the company earns after the cap is reached that would normally go to Komen? “We would hold on to that.”
White says that Komen monitors its partners’ sales and requires that when they hit their maximum they tell consumers that purchases are no longer benefiting Komen. New Balance, however, said in a statement that it does not inform consumers once the company reaches its cap; its product labels state that a maximum donation exists, so the firm believes it’s in compliance with Komen’s rules.

Any business that sells for profit an item that benefits a charity is considered a commercial co-venture and must comply with state laws. Massachusetts has some of the strictest commercial co-venture requirements in the country, mandating that before a product can be sold here, a company must register with the state attorney general’s charities’ division, file financial documents outlining the program, and post a $10,000 bond. At the end of program, the company must also tell the attorney general how much gross revenue the program generated and how much went to the charity. The filings are the only publicly accessible, legally binding record of this information -- all key to learning just how committed a firm is to a cause and how profitable these programs are.

But calls to the attorney general’s office in August and September revealed that firms partnering with two of the largest breast cancer charities in the country, Komen and the Breast Cancer Research Foundation (BCRF), are not registered. Of the dozens of companies that sell products that benefit the BCRF, for instance, only four are on file. The Estee Lauder Companies is not one of them, surprising considering that Evelyn Lauder, a senior corporate vice president, launched the foundation, and the cosmetics maker is its primary corporate benefactor. An Estee Lauder spokeswoman said in a statement, “We are grateful to the Boston Globe for bringing this oversight to our attention. The Estee Lauder Companies is proud of its support for the Breast Cancer Research Foundation and will promptly take the necessary steps to register as required.”
Only 13 Komen partners have current commercial co-venture registrations with Massachusetts. New Balance is not one of them. Mann explains: “I thought legal was doing it, and legal thought I was doing it.” Since the Globe’s query, New Balance is in the process of coming into compliance.
Emily Callahan, vice president of marketing for Komen, acknowledges that the nonprofit needs to increase its oversight of partner compliance with state laws. “We let [partners] take the lead in that,” says Callahan. “That’s something we need to be more aggressive with.” She says that Komen will ensure that all partners have filed their forms by this month.

“It’s really hard to combat a symbol like that,” says Deborah Shields, executive director of the Massachusetts Breast Cancer Coalition, an advocacy nonprofit. “It’s hard to challenge it without looking like a big meanie or leftish wacko fringe.” Shields and her group encourage people to make donations directly to causes they support rather than shopping for the causes. “It does matter where the funds come from and where they go.

“None of this is happening in Europe,” says Shields. “They’re stupefied by the concept of cause marketing.”

In fact, there is much concern that so-called consumption philanthropy may actually be dampening people’s willingness to make direct cash donations to charities. Samantha King explored this trend in her book; she and other social researchers fear that consumers won’t donate directly because they feel they did their part by buying those pink candies and golf clubs.
As such, the “so what” argument still dominates most of the conversations about the ethics of pink-ribbon cause marketing. So what if companies make a profit? Isn’t it better that they send a little to a charity while they’re at it? No harm, no foul, right?

It may be one argument in favor of leaving these companies alone to continue to pink-ify America, but it doesn’t make many women who have or have had breast cancer feel any better about October. The pinker it gets, the more conflicted and exploited they feel. “I get e-mails all the time from women with breast cancer saying, ‘Help me survive October. Help me get through October,’ ” says Sather. “It feels like a party and we are not celebrating.”

Kris Frieswick is a frequent contributor to the Globe Magazine. Send comments to magazine@globe.com.
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