current mood: lost and lonely
My thoughts are so scattered as I write this…
I think my friend Michelle summed it up pretty well in a
message to me on FB. Maddy has been the
one true constant in my life for the past 14 years. Those words are so powerful and so true. I have been through so much in the past 14
years but the one thing that has always been there has been Maddy’s
unconditional love. Her wagging tail as
she greets me at the door. My apartment
is so empty without her. Her favorite
spot on the couch is bare. Her water
bowl and food bowl are now up in my cupboard. Her collar and leash still sit on my kitchen
counter and will remain there until I’m ready…
Will I ever be ready?
Does this pain ever go away? Will
my tears ever stop flowing?
Making that tough decision, you know the one that no one
wants to make was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I held her in my arms like a baby, with her head to my
chest. I was uncontrollably crying
and she did what Maddy does best...she picked her head up and licked away my tears.
I couldn't believe even at the end she was still trying to comfort me. I strongly believe that was her way of
letting me know that it was OK to say goodbye.
After she was gone I put her lifeless body on the table and
wrapped her body with a towel, except her head.
I was still petting her. I sat
with her and just talked and told her how much I loved her. I found myself not wanting to ever
leave. I felt like I was abandoning her. I called my Dad and told him that. He reassured me that I had done the right
thing and that I wasn't abandoning her and that I needed to stay as long as I
wanted. I tried to leave three
different times and each time, I went back and knelt down at her lying on the
table.
I did at one point
take a picture of her paw. I found
myself caressing the pad of her paw. I
used to love to do that to her when she was lying on the couch, even though I
knew it drove her crazy. That was the
only picture I took. I've decided that
her paw print is going to be my next tattoo.
I remember the day I got her. It was 4th of July weekend 1999. It was really supposed to be my Dad’s puppy but he had changed his mind about having two dogs. I had just bought my house at the end of April and to be honest with you wasn't too keen on the idea of a new puppy and all the fun house-training that it entailed. But my Dad convinced me and that’s where Maddy and I’s adventure began…
I remember the day I got her. It was 4th of July weekend 1999. It was really supposed to be my Dad’s puppy but he had changed his mind about having two dogs. I had just bought my house at the end of April and to be honest with you wasn't too keen on the idea of a new puppy and all the fun house-training that it entailed. But my Dad convinced me and that’s where Maddy and I’s adventure began…
It’s funny cause when we went over my Aunt’s house to pick
her up, she was the only puppy left so she was among 4 or 5 adult dogs and she didn't seem very playful. I remember telling
that to my Dad and boy did I jinx it.
Maddy was beyond playful once I got her home and her puppy years lasted
well into her 4th year. I think then she
finally started to calm down.
I used to do and bring Maddy everywhere with me. From rides in the car to vacations. She has been on every mode of transportation…car,
train, subway, boat and air plane. It’s
sad to say but sometimes I think she’s lived a better life than some
children.
Maddy has been with me through all of my life’s ups and
downs. All the joy and especially was
there for the sorrow. She licked my
tears when my Mom passed away and then a few years later she licked the tears
away again as my Grandmother passed away.
She loved me unconditionally and never judged me during my cancer
treatment and never looked funny at me with my bald head. As a matter of fact she liked my bald head
and liked to lick it.
She never complained when I chased my dream and moved to
NYC. She never questioned where the
green grass went and why she had to do her business on the concrete
jungle.
I loved packing up a lunch, her portable water bowl and a
blanket and heading to Central Park. We
could spend hours at the park and both of us would be content. I would catch up on my reading and she would
people watch and just be happy to see green grass.
She loved visiting my Step-Dad at the Lake House. She would kayak with me and loved to go in
the water. She also loved to chase the
ducks. No ducks were allowed on the
beach in front of the house, not on Maddy’s watch.
Later on in life she was diagnosed with Addison’s
Disease. It took a toll on her body
before we finally got her stabilized and diagnosed. I learned to give her percorten shots every
23 days. I would do anything for my
Baby. After all she was there for me
through my cancer crapness, now it was time for me to be there for her.
It was tough watching her get older. Her hearing had just recently starting getting really bad and she had some night blindness. But it didn't matter to me. If it meant our walks in the morning took a little longer, I simply adjusted my morning alarm. If it meant putting more lights on in my apartment so she could see more easily than that’s what I did.
It was tough watching her get older. Her hearing had just recently starting getting really bad and she had some night blindness. But it didn't matter to me. If it meant our walks in the morning took a little longer, I simply adjusted my morning alarm. If it meant putting more lights on in my apartment so she could see more easily than that’s what I did.
Maddy was a true blessing in my life. I am privileged to have been the owner of
such a sweet dog.
I will miss her every day of my life.
I will see again Maddy, at the Rainbow Bridge.
