Current Mood: Relieved
So not sure how to start this blog so I guess I’ll just start.
So, where do single girls go to meet nice guys? Well that’s a pretty loaded question with many different answers. Well this girl turned to “on line dating.”
Let me just start off by saying that I have met some really nice guys on line, sure they weren’t “Mr. Right” but I’m really starting to question if “Mr. Right” really does exist.
So if you’re looking for a story about a girl meeting “Mr. Right” on line and living happily ever after, move on. This is not that story.
So I met a guy on line, we will call him DB (yes, that name makes me happy). We first started emailing each other. Call me old fashion but that’s kind of how I do things. I like to get to know someone a little before I go out on a first date.
We emailed for a few weeks because we connected while I was preparing for my week long trip home to CT. He seemed “normal” and we had biking in common so that made me happy. Finally, a guy who biked! We talked for the first time on the phone while I was at the airport waiting to board my plane. He seemed nice and we had a pleasant conversation. There were no gaps or long moments of silence. Everything in the conversation just seemed to flow naturally.
I was getting excited, was “Mr. Right” really out there, could he be the one.
Now that we exchanged telephone numbers, we had moved on to texting each other as well as emailing. He respected that I was home visiting family and friends and that is why we didn’t talk on the phone. We had however planned to meet the day after I returned to Florida. That left me with mixed emotions when I had to say goodbye to my family and friends. I was sad to say goodbye but excited for my upcoming date.
We met for lunch on our first date. We met at a restaurant on the water with quaint little shops around that we “window shopped” through, as we talked and got to know each other. We stayed so long that we watched the sun set and the moon rise. The moon was so amazing that night and like me, he’s a star gazer. Two points for DB so far, one for being a cyclist and one for being a star gazer.
So as time went on we met for bike rides. We rode the whole Withlacoochee Trail (92 miles) one day and had so much fun, biking and talking. He also took me out for a ride on his motorcycle which I was scared about at first but he quickly reassured me and I felt safe with him.
So as we got to know each other more you could tell that being intimate was in our future. This is where the story changes and where I start to get mad at myself for how I handled the situation. I should have stuck to my gut feeling and continued to get in my car that night and drive away and never look back but instead I….
So let’s take a flashback to where I told him I was a cancer survivor. We were sitting at a picnic table at the park after an afternoon hike along the river. We were both sitting on the same side, sitting sideways and I was in his arms. We were just talking about random things and I was starting to feel more comfortable with him and that’s when I told him. He complemented me on being a survivor and I genuinely thought he was being sincere. Boy was DB a good actor!
So one night we were laying on his couch, we were in each other’s arms at the time. He admitted to me that if I had put on my dating profile that I was a cancer survivor that he would have not reached out. At first I was hurt but keeping in mind that he had just lost his Father to cancer, I thought that was the reason. I never pursued it more but reassured him that I was healthy and he had nothing to worry about, meaning my cancer coming back or something. Gullible and stupid me thought that was it, WRONG.
As time moved on, I realized there was more to his “cancer” comment. This is where I get really mad at myself. So I decided to tell him everything about my cancer. I went into great detail about the specific type of reconstruction I had, hoping to put him at ease. I even took my top and bra off so he could see my breasts. DB made me feel like a was a piece of meat. I stood there as he examined my breasts, scars and all. He actually had the audacity to get his reading glasses from his nightstand, which of course made me feel even more like an object. Like he needed his glasses to focus on every detail, every stitch of my scar. After standing there for a while, I got dressed and started to walk out of his house and toward my car parked in the driveway. Feeling like I wasn’t worthy. I was just about ready to drive away when he came out and stopped me. He tried to reassure me that I was making more of the situation. REALLY DB? You just made me feel like a piece of meat on display at the butcher shop for your examination and I’m supposed to feel OK with that. I should have peeled out his driveway and NEVER LOOKED BACK!
But of course, stupid me, got sucked back. We dated a few more weeks and eventually became intimate. I was still very apprehensive about how he felt toward me and my cancer so I chose to wear my bra when we were intimate. We continued to date and eventually broke up. I’m not really 100% sure if it had to do with my cancer. He came up with so many reasons why it wouldn’t work between us but the cancer was not mentioned except when he specifically brought it up and said, "It had nothing to do with your cancer." Really DB?
I let this man who made me feel so unworthy continue to be part of my life. I hate myself for that! I got caught up and was blinded by what I thought was love. Even today as I write this, I’m super pissed off at myself. I like to think I’m a strong person, so why didn’t I leave him standing in his driveway? That would have been the perfect image to see in my rear view mirror.
Needless to say I have not been on a date since. I just hope that there are no other DB’s out there and no other BC survivor has to go through this experience. We are not just boobs, we have feelings. Do you really think I wanted BC and wanted a double mastectomy? It took me a long time to be able to get out of the shower and look at myself in the mirror and put lotion on my scars and feel comfortable in my own skin again. How dare DB take that away from me!