Saturday, December 15, 2007

Finding out it's OK to cry!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Current mood: sad

I went to see one of my doctors yesterday, Dr. L. If you've read my other blogs then you know that I love Dr. L. She is my breast surgeon.

She was the one that told me that I had the BIG C and sent my world spiralling out of control. I know what you're thinking, and why do you love this woman? I love her for many reasons but yesterday I can add to the list....she told me that it was OK to cry and feel sad. She told me that I had been through alot in a short period of time and that the surgery I had was very traumatic and that it was normal for my hormones to be all over the place.

It seems like that is ALL I do lately is cry. I cry because my hand is still NOT OK. I still cannot feel my left thumb, index finger or middle finger. I cry because lately the pain shooting into these fingers is unbearable. Dr. L believes that the pain is a "good thing". It is a sign of my nerve(s) healing. I should be thrilled, but all I do is cry.

I cry because I want my life back!

I cry because I feel the world going on without me. I know I have to recover but.....

Maybe it's the time of year. Everyone is getting ready to enjoy the holidays and all I want to do is cry! I would give anything to change places with someone. You hear people complaining about standing in long checkout lines or getting stuck in traffic. I will trade anytime. You take my pain and I'll take the hustle and bustle of the holidays.

I try so hard to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face, but sometimes it's really hard!

I also talked to Dr. L about my staging. She told me since there was NO lymph node involvement, I would be Stage 1. I told her, I should be thrilled and happy and relieved, but all I want to do is cry. She said it was my hormones and that it was OK.

I want to be happy! Hell, I should be happy, right? I've survived breast cancer! I should be celebrating....then why am I crying?

You know the expression....."this too shall pass" I guess I just have to wait and see.....

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