Thursday, November 29, 2012

Thankful for my Friends




Thursday, November 29, 2012
Current Mood:  Thankful 
 
Well there is only one more day left in November and as I reflect on all the things I am thankful for and there are so many,  I have to stop and pause at my Friends.
For me the month of November is not only the month that holds my absolute favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.   But it also holds a day that would change me forever.  November 22, 2007 I had a bi-lateral mastectomy.  Well this November I had yet another surgery.  No this one was not cancer related.  Thank God! 
After my cancercrapness journey, I always try to see the good in things.  For example, I was having surgery and yes I would be out of work for a few weeks but on a positive note, I was able to travel back home to see my family and friends in CT.  I got to spend some time home for my favorite holiday.  What more could this girl ask for?
While I was home, I got to see some of my friends.  This is kinda where this blog is going.  Friends…
I love my Friends and I especially love my BFF Danielle.  I love the fact that we can respect each other’s busy lives and not get upset with each other if we don’t speak for a while.  The best is when we can talk and pick up right where we left off even if it has been a week or sometimes longer.  Of course texting is always around too. 
So you know I had to meet up with Danielle and raise a little hell on one my nights home.  I also met up with another good friend Darrin and his new girlfriend, Mary.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that much fun just laughing and catching up.  
I’m grateful for that night and most grateful for my Friends.
I’m grateful to Darrin for just a few weeks ago at my pre-op Dr’s appt. I had a minor panic attack.  I thought I would be OK to go to that appt. by myself but as soon as I got in there and starting answering questions and then the blood draw and with all the smells of the hospital, everything was beginning to get to me.  It all just brought back November 22 all over again.  Darrin just happened to be texting me as I was there and then when he found out where I was he continued to text and try and calm me down.  3000+ miles away and yet a good friend can be there for you.  Gotta love technology!  Thanks Darrin for keeping this girl under somewhat control….LOL.  I heart you!
And of course there is nothing better than hanging out with your BFF.  And even if there are 3000+ miles between us, nothing can break that bond.  I love you BFF, Sister and KW (only Danielle will get KW) Muah!
And of course I have so many other friends out there as well.  I have my Cancer Friends that continue to support me through Facebook.  My Friends back in CT that I miss dearly.  My Friends that are scattered around the Country.  And of course my new Friends down here in Florida.
I love you all! 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Damaged Goods...

Tuesday, August 29, 2012

Current mood:  Unsure


Not really sure how to start off this blog other than just write what’s on my mind. The truth is I haven’t had much success in dating lately and I keep asking myself what is wrong with me? Is it me? Or am I attracting the wrong guys? What exactly is the problem?

After some soul searching, I think I’ve found the answer and yes it has to do with me. I think physically I’m ready to be out there dating again but mentally maybe I’m still that scared B/C Survivor who isn’t ready to share quite everything. And by everything I mean intimacy.

I guess the bottom line is, I feel like damaged goods and I’m not sure how to fix that, or if it is even fixable.

A part of me hates my body, I mean hates my body!  Every morning I get out of the shower and put my body lotion on and I am quickly reminded that I’m not whole. A part of me was amputated. I know most people think of amputees as missing an arm or a leg but I had a double mastectomy and yes I feel like an amputee. Sure I’ve had reconstruction and may look whole to the outside world with my clothes on, but the truth is I have two fake boobs.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to be here and to be alive and I am damn proud to call myself a SURVIVOR!

I just feel like I’ve paid my dues and now it’s time to be happy, right? I want to feel pretty and of course every girl wants to feel sexy. So then how do I get that feeling back? How do I get past this? Do I need more time?

Will the right guy come around and make me feel special and take the damaged goods label off of me?