Thursday, August 6, 2009

When does the fear go away?

Friday, August 6, 2009

Current mood: scared

OK, I'm asking all my cancer friends, when did your fear of a recurrence go away or is it always going to be there?

I have my routine 6 month check with my oncologist this coming Monday and for some reason, I am really scared.

It's been a little over a year since my last treatment and a little more than 2 years since my diagnosis.

It's not like this is my first check up. Why am I so scared?

I know one thing is for sure, I'm not looking forward to having them draw my blood. I had my port out in June, so now they have to stick me to get blood. Good luck with that one. I love being a human pin cushion. Let's see how many bruises I walk away with this time.

I also have an appointment to see my gynecologist. Now we all know how fun that visit can be. But that one scares me too. I had an abnormal pap last year and had to have a colposcopy. Everything turned out OK. They just thought it was abnormal due to my chemo. I just hope the one on Monday comes back normal.

What is my problem? I know I can't live in fear and certainly don't want to live just "waiting" for a recurrence to happen.

I hope this gets easier as time goes on...


Rachel said...

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to give advice, buuut at 3 yrs in remission, I still get worried even when I feel nauseous for reasons I can't explain (thats how i ended up being diagnosed) that it's coming back. I have worried before when my eyes take a minute to focus that i already have freakin cataracts from radiation!

I mean I'm not even in double digits remission yet, but I'm not sure if that feeling ever goes away fully.. I have a family friend who stopped going to her yearly follow ups because the anxiety just made her too upset when she very well knew she was asymptomatic and therefore probably a-ok. I mean I don't know if I could ever do that, but I don't think that being scared of a 6 mo f/u means you're living your life in fear :)

(I secretly still get nervous at the dentist that I'll get my 1st cavity hehe)

okay i'll stop rambling now.. :)

Good luck at the appointment-I know you'll do great!!



Breast Cancer Survivor! said...

Shari Blayne Fremgen said It used to be this cloud over my head, always just there, but It's been gone since I found i2y, & everyone else there have been my "Corner of the Sky" .
(Pippin) I'm not the only one. There are other people my age going through this "crapness" with me. I don't EVER have to explain anything, they SO get it. I get you & your fear, ... Read MoreYou just need to tell yourself, I have made it this far, & I will CONTINUE to make it, each & every day. IDK, sometimes I forget it ever happened, but sometimes you remember, & you say "DAMN, I'M STILL FRICKEN HERE!!! THANK YOU LORD" Your here for a reason, so enjoy every day you have. NO ONE knows when their time is up, even our non cancer peeps, so go out there & show the world what you are made of!
♥ u.

Breast Cancer Survivor! said...

Cyndy Sotomayor said I don't know if the fear ever goes away. I think it just gets a little less intense or we learn to manage it better. My friend is 11 years out and she said she still gets nervous when she goes for her check-up. I get so out of whack with fear and anxiety for my check-ups that I have to be medicated for my tests and appointments. What works for ... Read Moreme is accepting that I'm scared and not telling myself that I shouldn't worry, that I shouldn't be upset and that I'm being ridiculous...I honor what I'm feeling and now I can tell myself, "I've been through this before and survived, I can get through it again."

shelli said...

I think the fear is always there, but we get better at ignoring it day to day. The smell of the oncologist's office flashes me back. All the sick people in the waiting room at the radiologist's office make me ill.

Hang in there. Love your blog.