Monday, December 21, 2009

Feeling A Little Lost...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Current mood: feeling lost

Yesterday was my Grandma's Birthday and even though I was at work, she was on my mind. I think my Grandma's death has been the hardest for me. I miss her so much. I miss our phone conversations, she was always there to "just listen". What more could a person ask for.

I miss her stories too. She would tell me about her mother and father and then her step-mother. My Grandma lost her mother when she was very young and I remember her telling me how her and her father and siblings would visit her Mother at the cemetery on Sundays.

This was very important to my Grandma. As time passed and after my Grandpa passed away she would visit him as well. As my Grandma got older and wasn't able to drive anymore, I would take her to the cemetery. We would sit and talk to Grandpa. And as time passed and after I lost my Mother, my Grandma would come to the cemetery with me and visit with my Mom. We would even go to see my Nana, she was buried in a family plot. My Great Grandparent are there along with my Nana's sister.

Some people say you are either a cemetery going person or not. Thanks to my Grandma, I became a cemetery going girl.

I remember one time I went to visit after work and it was in early December and I had bought some Christmas decorations for the plaques. I remember it was getting dark and the ground was covered with snow but the air was warm so it created fog. I remember driving through the fog along the road and it seemed so peaceful, like I was in heaven. That has to be one of my favorite trips to the cemetery.

When my Grandma passed away, it was very difficult for everyone. She was our family.

I remember after the funeral and after the get together afterward my Dad asking me where I was going. I simply said, I'm going back to the cemetery. I needed one on one time with Grandma.

When I got back to the cemetery and stood there looking at all the flowers piled on top of this mound of dirt all I wanted to do was lay on top of it. Now keep in mind it was January and very cold. I really believe it wasn't so cold, I would have done it. I needed to be close to her.

I have to admit I haven't been to the cemetery in quit some time. Since my cancer diagnosis back in March 2007.

I don't know, the cemetery didn't seem like a place I wanted to go to... Maybe it was just a little too much to handle.

Anyway, I'm going home for Christmas in a few days and I think it's time I venture to the cemetery and visit everyone.

It's time I stop by and chat with Grandma....

1 comment:

John said...

You have a great blog! You are a brave lady... Keep on trucking!!! I'm in the middle of my own cancer journey and your fears are familar to me.