Sunday, May 4, 2008

Sending My Mother’s Day Wishes to Heaven

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Current mood: sad

The picture to the left is my favorite of me and my Mom when I was a little girl.

Well next week is Mother’s Day and it seems everywhere I go now a days I see a display for Mother’s Day. You hear advertisements on the radio and see them on T.V….Don’t forget to get Mom that perfect gift for Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is supposed to be a joyous day, right? Spend the day with Mom and tell her how much she’s appreciated. But what do you do when Mom’s gone? That’s the case for me and for me I find Mother’s Day to be a sad day. I usually keep myself preoccupied and this year I’m scheduled to work. I just feel I’m way too young to be without my Mom.

This will be my 4th Mother’s Day without Mom. I guess it has gotten easier over time. The first year was the hardest. Celebrating every holiday without her SUCKED! And I always thought that I shouldn’t be having fun, like I was supposed to be in mourning.

My Mom and I have had a rocky relationship, for the lack of a better word. When I was little everyone tells me that my Mom doted on me and that I was her little girl. But as I grew up and as time went on, this would change. See my parents were divorced when I was only 4, so I have no recollection of them being together. My Mom remarried when I was 6 or 7 and then my world changed when I turned 10, that’s when my brother entered the world.

I remember our family always being happy and then somewhere it all changed. My Step-Dad tells me it all changed after my Nana died. She was my Mom’s Mom and they were extremely close. I think they were more like sisters than Mother and Daughter. After my Nana’s death is when my Mom started getting depressed and along with that came her drinking. I never picked up on it when I was little, but as I entered High School all my Mom and I did was fight. I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I actually asked my Step-Dad after she passed away if he thought I was an “evil” child. He quickly reassured me that I was not and that it was my Mom’s alcoholism that was the root of most of our fights. Now let’s not kid anyone, I’m sure I was a typical teenager and had my little “attitude” moments, but I now know that the alcoholism magnified the fights.

Instead of dwelling on my Mom’s death and her disease; I try and remember all the good times we had, because don’t get me wrong, we did share good times.

As I get older, it just seems to hurt more and more, not to have my Mom around. I wish she was her to see all my accomplishments and share in my happy moments and even be there for me when I was going through my rough times.

Last year when I was diagnosed with cancer, I always wondered how she would react to my diagnosis. Would that have made her stop drinking, would she have been there for me? I’m sure she would have been there for me, but would she have been there sober?

I guess for those of us who have lost our Mom’s tragically, we must not dwell on the hurt but celebrate the good memories. So that is what I am doing this Mother’s Day. Celebrating and remembering the good times with Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love and miss you.

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