Stop Staring!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Current mood: angry

OK.....today is the day I start to write my essay on "The way society treats chemo patients".

Yesterday was the final straw. I was in Big Y doing some grocery shopping....yes people with cancer do go grocery shopping!....when I noticed this older woman walking down the aisle toward me staring at me and my bald head the whole entire time. In the past, when people would do this to me, I would look down or look away. NO MORE! I looked this woman right in the eye as she continued to stare at me. She looked at me and then looked down at my wrist, like she knew what my "livestrong" bracelet stood for, yet she still continued to stare. As we passed I even noticed out of the corner of my eye that she turned and looked back at me....like her head spun around. I could feel her eyes still staring at me as I walked away. All this anger must have being building cause as I walked away I said in a loud voice, "What are you staring at, you've never seen someone with cancer?"

In the back of my head I can hear my Auntie Judy. Past conversations about this and she would always say that people are probably staring because they notice how young I am and how terrible it must be for me to have cancer. I say.....NO MORE EXCUSES for these people.

I understand that people are going to "look" or do a "double take" but to "stare" is so uncalled for and so cruel. Do these people realize how it makes me feel? Do they realize how much it hurts? I have to admit after I did this I kinda felt bad for the woman. Maybe I should show more respect for my elders. But this woman should have known better, she wasn't a child. NO, the children don't stare....it's the adults that stare....aren't they supposed to know better. I think about my Grandma and what a wonderful person she was and I know for a fact she would never stare at anyone. And I know if she were here today, she would know exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. So no, I'm not excusing the woman at Big Y!

I have been through ALOT since my original diagnosis on March 8th of this year. I've been poked and prodded and bioposed and cut open and scanned and hell I even been poisoned and yes, I've lost my hair. But NOTHING compares to the "stares" I get from people. That hurts the most. And even as I write this essay I have to stop and wipe away my tears because it still upsets me. As I'm crying, Maddy comes to my side. Maddy is my dog, but she's more than just my dog, she has been my little angel through all this. She loves me no matter what and you know what, she doesn't stare at me and wonder, "where did all of mommy's hair go?" No she licks my tears away and still loves me and accepts me for who I am not what I look like.

It's funny when Dr. Lee first told me I had to have chemotherapy and that I would lose my hair, I thought I would be OK with it. I"m tough, right. I still think I'm tough, I just think society sucks. Who gives someone the right to stare at me and make me feel uncomfortable. Who gives someone the right to stare at me and judge me. Who the hell do they think they are. Maybe my Mom raised me better. I was raised NOT to stare at people if they looked different. I know we all do a double take if we see something out of the ordinary, but to "stare"......

OK, so they want to stare......how about stare and then maybe smile at the end.....why not try and make me feel good. Why do they stare and make me feel like crap and want to cry. Don't they know I already know I look like crap. No woman going through cancer and chemo wants to be bald.

I remember the day most of my hair fell out. I was taking a shower and washing my already thinning hair. I noticed the water in the bathtub starting to rise. I knelt down to wipe away the drain, not realizing at the time that it was my hair falling out that was causing the drain to clog. Now keep in mind I had buzz cut my hair so that it was only a 1/2 inch around my head. As I reached down and scooped up an over flowing handful of hair I almost got sick. I knelt down in the shower and just balled my eyes....you know that overwhelming cry when you can't catch your breath and you start to hyperventilate....yeh, that would be the one. Now I knew I would have to face the mirror. I remember standing, drying myself off and being so afraid to look in the mirror. See I have one of those huge over the vanity mirrors. There's no where to run in my bathroom. I stood there looking at the image in the mirror, was that really me.....I didn't know who this person was looking back at me. The sad part was that not all of my hair fell out. I would say I was about 95% bald. Those other hairs were still holding on for dear life. I have to admit I looked kinda scary. As I stood facing myself in the mirror, I now realized that I really did have cancer. I really don't think it hit me until that point.

I went through my chemo during the summer months so wearing a wig was out of the question....too hot, but to be honest I really didn't want a wig. I opted to wear bandanas and hats and turbans. I sweated my ass off wearing these things! Who was I kidding or what was I trying to hide. People stared at me no matter what I did. If I wore a bandana...they stared. If I wore a hat.....they stared. My friend Katie asked me once, "Why do you wear a hat or bandana, for yourself or for everyone else's comfort?" That was a great question. I told her I did it for both. I think as a person with cancer, we are always trying to make sure everyone else is comfortable, we forget that we need to be comfortable....I remember when I was first diagnosed and telling my family and friends and always making them feel like everything was going to be OK, when deep down I had no idea if I was going to be OK. Maybe I was wearing my hats more for them then for me.

I remember in the beginning my Dad told me it was all in my head, the people staring at me. I actually began to believe this....maybe I was paranoyed. Then one night, my friend Danielle and I were out at Walmart and this woman was staring at me. Danielle was ready to kick that woman's ass! I chuckle now, thinking back. I love Danielle and love the fact that my friend was willing to stand up for me. But the best was the night my Dad and I were in NYC and we were standing on the platform waiting for the subway, when this woman came walking toward us. She was all dressed up in her business suit. She stared at me the entire time as she passed by us. In disgust I looked over at my Dad and asked him if he saw her and he shook his head yes. I told him in an angry voice......THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! I think he finally realized what I go through on a daily basis.

Well I'm happy to say my chemo is over and my hair or should I say peach fuzz is starting to grow. I've returned to work and I made a decision. I've decided to go back to work and face the world bald.....THAT'S RIGHT NO MORE HATS!

I saw an interview with Melissa Etheridge on the Tyra Banks Show the other day and she so inspired me. She herself is a breast cancer survivor. She talked about her past performance at the Grammy's and how she performed bald. She said she wanted to stay true to herself and not hide behind a wig or hat. Thank you Melissa, you've given me the courage to face the world bald. After all, what do I have to lose, society is going to stare at me whether I'm wearing a hat, bandana or turban, so why not just wear my own skin......